36 weeks HUGE

I know this is cliche and I know its hard to believe, but I have completely forgotten how I felt at the end of my pregnancy with Blake. Like totally dropped it from my brain. But I can sort of remember being uncomfortable and the EXTREME discomfort I feel now is helping that memory. I feel huge, I'm really not so I know I shouldn't complain, but I feel that way. 

And I'm hot, granted its only 40* outside but I'm still hot, but its not acceptable to go out without pants on because well its only 40* outside. And sometimes I get cold. So really its best to wear pants, but pants SUCK. They are so uncomfortable. I want to be in pajamas that are too big or dresses or naked, really thats it.

Oh and this baby is breech. I understand that I'm currently spared the bowling ball between my legs feeling, but the bowling ball under my ribs is TERRIBLE! And her butt still wiggles around on my bladder and every now and then she'll give it a good swift kick. Thats fun in public, the look on my face must horrify passerby's.

And I can't sleep. I'm up to pee at least 6 times a night. Yesterday morning after a 12 hour night shift I literally got up to pee 7 times between 6 am and 10:45 am, when I finally gave up and got up for the day.

And I can't bend over to pick stuff up. Because if I do that I squish her head into my ribs, which squishes her butt onto my bladder, which causes me to contract, which is no fun.

Oh and because she's breech I've turned into a hippie witch doctor. Last week I saw the chiropractor 4 times, got a massage on a table with a belly hole, got acupuncture and started using moxibustion which if you don't know is a stick of mug wort you burn near your little toe to encourage the babe to flip. It smells like pot, which makes my house smell like pot. Which makes babysitters and friends look at me weird.

And I have no appetite, I get nauseous after 6 bites of food, have 0 interest in cooking (poor Blake lives on PB&J and macaroni) but am hungry ALL the time.

Wow that was quite a little complaint session. And basically sums up the 36 weeks prior to now as well. Just a few more weeks and my body will no longer carry another human being, I know it won't be "mine" again for quite some time, but at least it will be a baby lighter!

Holding on to my "baby"

Tonight as I was getting in bed you started crying. You didn’t get up but I could tell you were having a nightmare by the sound of your cries. While you can usually put yourself back to sleep it was taking longer than usually tonight, so I went up to your room. You immediately reached for me and as I picked you up, you laid your head on my shoulder and went back to sleep.

Now, I could have put you back in bed, but I was selfish. So I sat down in the rocking chair and rocked you while you drooled on my shoulder and twitched in that deep sleeping way. I was feeling selfish because I haven’t had you sleep on my shoulder in months and months and months and I knew that those moments were going to be even more infrequent as you continued to grow and your sister joins us in the next few weeks. You were going to graduate from baby to big girl and as I held your little body tonight I couldn’t help but cry.

Tears of sadness that you weren’t going to be sleeping on my shoulder forever, that I wouldn’t have my undivided attention to give you anymore and that you were growing. 

Also tears of joy knowing that you are still mine and that no matter what you will aways be my baby. You will always be my first. You will always be the one who broke open my heart. Taught me the most amazing kind of love. And the one who made me a mommy.

Blake Emme Brewer I love you more than words could ever describe, you are my baby, my light and my life.

First day home-2012